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When Dad came home, the whole family went out for Chinese. I picked through
my orange chicken as Dad and my little sister talked about the school day. My
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little sister looked over at me and said matter-of-factly, You have the most
depressing blue eyes.
I looked over at her, up from my food. Do you know why? Really.
Dad laughed. Girls will kill for those eyes.
I shut my eyes. The last thing I wanted to think about was girls.
Hope refused to leave my mind. She was always there, always before me,
haunting.
I lay in bed all night, staring at the plaster ceiling, listening to the spring wind
outside. Do you ever have those nights when your brain is messing with you and
you feel so& messed up? I mean, when I was a little kid, about five or six, I
remember laying on Mom and Dad s bed and staring at the ceiling slowly moving
back and forth. Dad came in with a hamper basket and when I looked at him, he
seemed to grow huge. I just felt so& out-of-it. Now that I think about it, it is kind
of like hypnotism, with the twirling fan blades serving as the hypnotic spiral. But
now I felt the same thing, except there was no spiral, just a whitewashed ceiling
and enough memories to keep me screaming inside.
I kept seeing the pizza parlor, the gymnasium, when we d hang out at each
other s houses, when she ditched me for Amber, even when Amber indirectly
invited me, and I remembered all the times we d go on walks together in the park
or go to King s Island with our parents& And then I remembered how she laid on
the bed the bed that I sleep in every night and told me, in less spicy words, I
can t date you because you re not cool enough and not hot enough for me.
The depression was suffocating. But the anger was even worse.
All day Saturday this went on; I was caught in the madness of depression and
anger. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, just dwelling on my thoughts
and feelings. I felt so hopeless, so insecure, so& futile. I convinced myself I
hadn t a chance for romance, that I was dead weight who would never know what
a beautiful kiss was like. I was convinced I was the dirtiest low-life, the scum of
the town, best serving humanity by being the person who is trampled on so others
don t have to be uncomfortable.
Alex called Saturday. Hey man! How are you?
I tried to sound perky, but don t think it worked. Okay. How was&
Applebee s? Why did I ask?
Dude! It worked out so well. We met there at four o clock and then we got one
of those high-chair tables, near the bar, right? And we sat across from each other
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and talked about school and church and then we ordered. She got honey barbecue
boneless buffalo wings and I got the classic style. And then guess what, Dude?
She told me next time we d have to split! Dude! Next time! And we didn t even
have our food yet!
This was killing me. I felt like someone was shoving a hot iron poker up my
butt and burning out my bowels.
She is the most interesting person in the world, Dude. She knows so much, too!
She talked about how she s been on all these trips to like Israel and Greece and
Rome, and she said that she loved that stuff, ancient history and the likes. Dude,
she s just like you!
I wanted to strangle the kid.
I don t know, Man. She s just so& I don t even know. I don t even have
words! There s so much to her I can t even touch it. And her eyes! Have you ever
seen them? They re green like& Like really green. They sparkle, Man. How often
do you see that? Wow. Just being around her is intoxicating. I m so blessed, Man.
So blessed.
Of course you are. And I m happy for you.
I walked her to her car afterwards, but it wouldn t start. She d left her lights on
and the battery was dead. She said she d have her dad jump it in the morning, so I
said I d take her home. So we got in the car and drove out of the lot, and as we
neared her house, she said, Why don t we just drive around?
Murder. Murder. Murder.
So I said, Okay. Where do you want to go? And she smiled. Have you seen
her smile?
Yes.
It s like& Like it s from another planet or something. It s just so heavenly, so
vast, so& indescribable. I feel like a poet searching for words. So I said, All
right, let s just drive, and we drove in silence for about half and hour before she
said, Stop here, and I turned into one of the mountain lookouts, because we were
up in the mountains. She grinned at me and opened the door and I jumped out of
my car after turning it off. She comes around the car and takes my hand-
Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone!
-And she drags me over to the bench. She pulls me around and she sits down,
and pats the bench part next to her. So I sit down, too. And we look out over the
stars, talking about how beautiful it all really is. The stars are really beautiful,
aren t they? I never really noticed. But she made me notice. She showed me the
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beauty. She s like& No, the stars are like an echo of her own beauty. He
laughed. I sound like a school-boy.
So happy for you!
When we finally got back to her house, I walked her to the door, and she stood
there jingling her keys in her pocket. I didn t realize what she was doing till, like,
ten minutes ago, but it s okay, because as she walked inside, she asked, Do you
want to hang out after church tomorrow? I smiled so big and I wasn t even
ashamed. So we ve got a real date at least I think it s a real date tomorrow
after church.
Good. Great. Grand. Wonderful.
And, Dude, I owe this all to you. All of it. Thanks for helping me out.
My voice cracked, No problem.
See you around? he asked.
Yeah, I said.
The line went dead.
Mom entered the room, closing her cell phone. I just talked to your sister.
Where is she? I asked. I hadn t seen her all day.
I guess she and Caleb went to Borders and ½ Price.
My eyes bellowed sulfur. That was my route, not theirs. I invented it. And why
didn t he ask me to come?
He asked her out, Mom said, smiling.
What d she say?
She said yes. Oh, I m so excited for her! I hope he treats her right.
Yeah, I said. Me too.
But I didn t care. After hearing Alex on the phone, I just wanted to puke.
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Chapter Three
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
- Michelle Branch, Goodbye to You
I am so double-willed. Some days I want to complete this, other days I do not.
Some days I want to just take this notebook and tear it apart, but other days I
crave to take up the pen and tell my story. Sometimes I just feel like this is a bad
idea. I mean, I am opening up so many windows to be judged and frowned upon,
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